REVEALED FROM STONE
Yet Another Year.
It’s been an odd year. Few ups, few downs, nothing new really. Apart from the broken, (severely broken), ankle, which is healing, there is nothing momentous about the year I just burned away like it was only a few weeks. Yet, here I sit, again wondering about the year behind me and my growth during that time.
To understand me better in the now, I must digress and tell you a bit about who I am, and what got me to here. I’ve spent my entire life, from as far back as my earliest memories, wanting, craving, searching and wishing for—love. And as a sidebar, I’ve found little bits and pieces of—love—throughout my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve looked for and attracted it everywhere I can find it. Mostly I’ve sated my craving to love, through my animals, (motherly), since I never had kids, (I didn’t want to be weighed down with children when my great love appeared).
What’s eluded me, and what I will go to my grave aching to feel, is that all encompassing—bordering on insane—kind of love where I can devote and submit all of myself to one other person. Only one! To belong to them and them to me—yes I used that word—BELONG! I know what you’re thinking—don’t categorize me as a bunny boiler just yet. What I want—but refuse to fabricate or force—is to find and be permitted to dwell with the one meant for me. The one who wishes to consume all of me—I’m willing to give that much—I’m capable of giving that much!
Funny thing is, in my search for—the one—I’ve tried on a few; more than a few. None were quite right. I even married, and we are great/best friends to this day, but even he will admit we never had that kind of love. I’ve seen others find that kind of love—first hand! It wasn’t always a Disney movie either—lots of hard times and angst along the way—but the love, the relationship and the other person were always the most important ingredients. That is what I want! (Please note I used WANT, not, NEED. I’ve made it this far and I can finish just fine without.)
When I was seven I walked forward at a tent revival and gave my heart to Jesus. I was born again before I was ten. I reconfirmed that faith again in my twenties when I was baptized in the ocean by a traveling preacher. I walked forward again in my mid-thirties at a huge convention with Joyce Meyers. My faith has been tested, but I’ve never once faltered in my devotion and submission to, THEIR, will in my life. Here is where I must clarify that I am not a church going, pew sitting–Christian. In fact, I’ve only been in a church a handful of times.
I am my own minister, believer, and the most spiritual Jesus freak you will ever meet. Although, if you meet me, you would never know this fact because I don’t talk about it. The reason I don’t talk about it has nothing to do with shame or embarrassment. Neither of which I hardly ever feel—in any situation. The reason I don’t talk about it is because most of the people I am around, vehemently hate Christians. The reason they do, is because other Christians fervently judge, shame and then try and save the ones that are a bit different—like me—I don’t need to be turned or saved from their perception of my sinful ways.
I also have no agenda to save another’s soul. It’s theirs, not mine, and I don’t care if they go to the same heaven I do, or not. I guess that is where I diverge from the flock of do-gooders. There are very few do-good-anything, bones in my body. This life is for me to learn whatever the fuck I need to learn, and move on. Get out of the cyclical, program ruled, breeders and workers, universal mindset of this planet—I call them the, Blue Pills. I want out and off. My goal this lifetime is to fastrack this process and get these lessons learned post haste.
Of course, by declaring that agenda to my helpers and angels, I’ve set out the gauntlet, and it isn’t always pretty rainbows and blessings. Often it is painfully learned lessons, or numerous heartbreaks that never quite heal. I struggle with coldness, numbness, apathy, dullness, depression and cynicism. None of which would be welcomed in the heaven I seek to enter. Sometimes the breaking and wrenching needed for me to feel anything deeply, is exactly—breaking and wrenching—and it fucking hurts throughout my mind, body and soul.
It often feels as if who I am—who I am becoming—is being revealed and carved from solid marble. I need to soften. I need to have less brace. I need to be open and grateful.
So, back to this quest to find love. Which, sadly I’ve about given up on. At least to the capacity I’d once hoped for. Maybe it wasn’t meant for me this lifetime, or maybe I screwed up somewhere along the line and totally blew it. But it’s never been gifted to me. I do have some wonderful people in my life at present, one man I adore, but only from afar, and I’ve come to realize it might be too late for us. By my age everyone has lives, families, kids, jobs, careers, duties. They are entrenched in their life. I am the odd one out. I am free at present—free, but alone. So, whatever I get, I get it in a limited capacity, and that will not change. I often wonder if I should settle, and be happy for part of the dream, or do I dare still hope for that one elusive person to whom I could submit to as fully as I have to Jesus?
Since I write about, and am drawn to the world of Dominants and Submissives—BDSM—and I am a bit of a masochist who craves her dominant, I’ve done quite a bit of research. And I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process. Turns out, what I crave isn’t unheard of in that world, and often, it is more the norm. It’s an obsessive kind of love that I suppose some would call co-dependent. For me, it is finding someone worthy of not only my complete and utter devotion, but also my submission and ache to be the only one to sate their every crave and need. I would go so far as to say I wished to be their every crave and need!
So far, none are worthy. I have a big personality, and most would never think of me as a, quote-unquote, submissive. I’m a bit of an oddity—can I call myself an, Alpha-submissive? The ineffable sub? Even throughout my long years as a horse trainer and professional, I was always Alpha mare. Always! I’ve often thought that a man who was—more—than me, probably didn’t exist. Add in the fact–I am a woman of God–and I desire to belong to a man of God? Well that list just got even smaller. Perhaps non-existent. But, in all reality, I’ve practiced submitting to God and His will in my life—my entire life.
I suppose you could say–I’ve become my own dominant.
On the bright side, this never filled ache of mine is great fodder for my work and my stories. I write from a place of fantasy and hope that maybe, just maybe, HE does exist and, maybe, just maybe, HE might find me. I’m not looking. I’ve actually always thought—HE would find me. HE would know I was meant to belong to him, and in turn, HE would make sure I knew. He would gather me, woe me, and eventually OWN me—mind, heart, and body. Fantasy? Sure, why not. But don’t forget I believe in a God and His son, (my soul is theirs already), and that whole bible malarkey thing too. I also believe in multiple lifetimes and honestly, I seriously doubt—Every. Single. Lifetime. We are allowed to find the kind of bliss I’ve always sought. This just might be an off-lifetime for me.
Patience grasshoppah—paint the fence—learn your lessons. The next chapter will come soon enough.
I’m an oddity to be sure. My goal in my writing is to let this foreign, alien, love-driven, will-surrendering mindset, filter through into my work. I’m going to use every moment of angst and longing to fuel my words and drive my characters. Maybe this is supposed to be my great love? The writing? It saved me during my darkest hour when I felt truly anointed to write my first book—AdventuresinPayne. (It’s being edited right this second by a professional and will be re-released in the spring of 2015). I do know I have a talent for it, and I am trying my darndest to impart the messages I’ve learned, or am being taught as I move along. Trying to tell the story the way they’ve told me. In writing this, I realize I already belong to a benevolent Father who’s taken great care of me. I’ve never worked in the traditional sense, but everything I’ve ever wanted, (apart from that elusive relationship), has been provided to me.
The way I see it, THEY, want us to have overflowing desires. Without those, how can they, teach, train and mold us into the kind of evolved souls who would welcome more evolved souls into a paradise universe? Fear of hell isn’t going to work. Let’s be honest, hell is all around us, in us, part of us. We can’t do much worse than this treadmill existence. But! And there is a big BUTT! The promise of everlasting peace, contentment, saturation and satisfaction—not to mention unending LOVE and protection! All of those things will surely motivate me.
So, going into yet another year, think about your own spirit’s evolution. Don’t get sidetracked with the myriad distractions of life and family and others. Duties will always be there and nobody else’s path is as important as your own. Change destructive patterns as quickly as you see them. If you don’t, if you linger and wallow, you will only stay here, there, in those patterns. If you do what you’ve always done—you will always get the same results.
I for one, want MORE and BETTER and all the rewards that I know come from being self-aware and on this path of learning and soul-improvement. It’s simple, just not easy. And most of all, there is no pride over here. Give in, give up the illusion you have a say in any of this—your will—your rightness—your marble hard veneer–soften your heart. When you do, I swear it is a miraculous awakening.
Remember–Relax, nothing is under control!
That at least is what I am doing on a minute by minute basis, and I like the person I am becoming. Onto 2015 people! Are you with me?