The parts I gave you, I’d been holding in reserve all these years.
My entire lifetime of waiting realized, as I gifted you with my only remaining treasures.
What I thought were hidden riches, were a pittance really;
now that I look back.
I no longer have anything to offer another.
What I’d cherished for so long;
my hope and belief that love could make a difference.
That, investment of time showed how much I loved.
My steadfast confidence I’d been created for someone;
All of that is completely absent now.
I was even so naïve as to think love could conquer all the negative;
if only I fiercely applied.
I’d tried before, and before, and before,
But I never truly loved; not the way I did,
I gifted you all I’d held back from others;
Hoping this time would be different,
if I applied all I’d learned.
She was my little girl who wanted to worship and adore.
She was my passionate woman, waiting to surrender.
All these little pieces had been hiding behind this shattered exterior.
Most of my light had evaporated through all the fissures;
there wasn’t much left aside from a thin veneer I showed the world.
I gave you these secret parts, and of course, you greedily took them.
Now, I can’t find any of me.
Nothing is held in reserve.
Nothing in me is waiting.
I no longer believe in love.
All my try has evaporated.
Now even the veneer is a mess of faked smiles and sparse, meaningless words.
I’ve settled and become everything I used to hate.
I can’t really gather enough emotions to hate, or care, or…
Those before you taught me, silence was best,
Look pretty and shut up.
I feel the fool for thinking you were any different.
Now there is nothing left.
Now I’m a nobody.
These are from my,
RAW IN THE MIDDLE
LOVING A NARCISSIST
The worst of it was his disbelief in my love
In how I truly felt about him
The conflagration of him; the intensity of my desire to be his.
How he affected me, changed who I was, and what I believe
I adored him and wanted to give him everything
He laughed at my passion and my offerings
His indifference to my flailing ruined what was left of a fragile soul
He misinterpreted, misconstrued, and misunderstood everything I was
It felt as if he did so purposely
He ignored my only talent and wouldn’t read my words
I am still a shattered mess, only aching to be understood
Something about his rejection rendered me invisible
Even to myself.
Now, he’s attempted to delete our tombstone inscription
As if a few scratches could expunge my grief at the loss
As if I could ever un-feel what I felt
As if I could reverse the affects of him on my heart
The worst of it is he banished me instantly from his
Moving along as if I were roadkill to be forgotten
Whew, that was a close one, glad he survived
as I drag my own carcass away from the crash site.
The worst of it is how my love for him, awakened me
Changed me, made me want to be more than I’ve ever been
A better me, because of him.
He didn’t feel any of that impact, not even a jostle of recognition
He irreparably wounded me to a core I didn’t know I possessed,
and the worst of it was he didn’t care a lick.
The worst of it is the weight of what I now carry
The baggage of un-spent adoration, love, lust and submission.
How can I ever give this to another?
Another will never be him.
But of course, he isn’t really him either.
Irretrievable, irrevocable, irreversible
Whatever toxin he infused, is a fatal affliction
I’ve come to decide I will not recover
I will continue as a shell of empty grief and sorrow
But who I once was, is gone, lost, destroyed
I’m fine, I’m okay, I’m still standing
The placebos I feed the world
I know the truth, but I’m the only one who cares
He doesn’t, never did, lied his way through my devotion
He didn’t care if it was a love note, or a suicide note,
it was simply something to feed on.
I thought the sex was love, and for me, it was more like worship,
But I think for him, not so much.
He loved his prowess and stamina.
He loved his power.
He adored himself as I writhed under his weight.
It’s strange how I still love him.
The façade he presented in the beginning.
The conglomeration of parts I’d always dreamt of.
He is a master of the craft, a fisher of emotions, an infantile monster of extraction and extortion.
He baited the net perfectly, and then laughed at his prey’s declaration of love.
An Oscar worthy performance as a vampire of emotions.
If my love was a lie, I’d be over him by now.
I’d have moved past this brokenness and mourning.
For me, it was so much more than lust, and chemicals.
My soul fell, and is still screaming through the abyss
My heart is obliterated and now I’m a nothing.
He interrupted my aura, and I was instantly changed. It was an irretrievable moment and I am still suffering through the sorrow. It weeps through my skin and strangles me with longing for a man who doesn’t exist. It’s like a straight jacket of locks and chains; a noose of emotional torture; this ache of grief that renders me fetal as I hold myself together.
I thought a year would at least provide a scar I could live with, but instead it rips free and bleeds on a regular basis. He laughed at my love, thought me a fraud and a liar. Of course, his disordered mind hadn’t a clue of love or it’s power.
It was naïve of me to think the firestorm I experienced, would translate to his awakening. My own metamorphoses was irrevocably enacted the moment I saw him, but for him to want me with the same passion, was a much too delusional fantasy on my part.
He set the trap well, offering me bait of my ideal. I saw his cage of writhing demons and yet still, still, I loved him with a ferociousness I will never understand.
Even still, a year past and I am swept away by the interruption of a continuous thought of him.
He tried to scratch away the inscription on our tombstone, but no matter, it is still him who haunts the halls of my heart and renders me useless to this world.
SHE SAYS SHE’S A HORSEYGIRL, AS IF THAT EXPLAINED EVERYTHING
There is always dust on her jeansHer hair is like a torch of satin flames; honey and fire, sunlight and copper; spilling from a ball cap.She wears sunglasses, even in the dead of winter. She’s unbelievably strong and agile. She’s empathic at a level others never comprehendShe doesn’t think she’s graceful, but she is.She dances when nobody is watching.She towers over most women, and looks most men directly in their eyes.She is a carnivore, and will admit to eating things with faces, but then smiles deviously.She can back up a thirty-foot bumper-pull horse trailer into the tightest spot—in one try.She can load 3 horses, by herself, just by pointing.She can back up a 2000-pound animal with a look.She knows what knot, to know.She’s open, and ugly-honest about everything.The opinions of others, are none of her concern.She is precise and clear with her communication.She never makes assumptions. The word, ‘wrong’, does not exist in her vocabulary. She is calm and balanced, yet decisive and direct. You always know where you stand, and how she feels.She loves adventures and getting lost in the woods. She believes balance is key to everything.Her faith game is off the charts.She’s incredibly passionate, sexual, alive and open. She claims the best drug on the planet is a gallop down the beach,Or sex with, him I love to watch her move amongst the beasts she guides. When she’s atop, no other can compare with her erotic beauty. She is a centaur of elegant, fluid exquisiteness. A part of the dance in a way others envy.Someone broke her trust, and she no longer believes love can conquer all. She never talks about it, and refuses to linger too long in the past, or play victim to anyone, but he broke her heart and she never truly recovered. I see it in her eyes when she thinks she’s hiding behind that slaying smile.She says, she’s a horsey girl, as if that explained everything.
At night, when a storm is raging outside, we lay and listen. We try to sleep, but the kinetic energy in inclement weather usually prohibits rest. We hear snaps and cracks and flapping tarps, wondering what’s getting destroyed, or merely sounding as if.
Sometimes the worst destruction is a surprise, something you never heard. It’s the silent, slow letting down of a big tree freeing its roots from wet soil. Or the fence that blew over and smashed the roses. Not till dawn can you take inventory. Even then, what can you do but shake your tiny fist at mother nature and curse a god you don’t really believe in. We have no say when she decides to strike, and so we don’t take it personally. We simply rebuild stronger the next time, or demolish what was there so it can never be hurt again.
Sometimes we become so hardened and immune, we sleep right through the worst of it. The world has a temper tantrum, and we are safe in our dreams, blocking the reality of what we will wake to when the sun once again shines.
We take for granted we will be there to see the next sunrise and we take for granted it will.
We logic our way through the devastation around us, smiling as if we are fine. What is our alternative? What choice do we have? We can shake our heads at the other’s perceptions, discarding it as hitting them harder, or we can be thankful it didn’t hit us as hard as it did them. Either way, we are competing over even that, the destruction and anarchy and who fared better, when all along, we are all just roses next to a weak fence. ~Payne Hawthorne
I entered the below poem at poetrynation.com and was just notified I’m a semifinalist. It also secures this poem and a small author bio in their upcoming print anthology collection of amateur poets.
Pretty exiting for me since I’ve never entered any of my writings in contests. My new mission is to enter more of my stuff, more often and on different platforms with the end goal of getting my name better known as an author and poetess of emotional, soul searching, and love focused writings.
So here it is:
The Devastation of Love, (revised edition to fit their submission guidelines).
I'm forever hopeful to be stolen by it, swept up and falling into...
I will cease to be a singular soul, alone.
I will join with another, and become someone entirely new.
It’s messy and often ugly.
Perhaps it’s simply my love of playing with fire?
It’s a shattering experience.
Life altering, soul modifying.
It’s anarchy. Destruction.
Demolish what was there, rebuild stronger joined as two.
It’s crushing, humbling and overwhelming.
It’s embarrassing, pathetic, and shameless.
I must surrender to the tidal pull of another.
I must submit to the power of two combined.
I am no longer me. I am now, us and we.
I hand myself over to the other.
It’s a before and after episode.
It’s a demon who burgles my deepest secrets.
It’s a cresting wave, pummeling me into the depths.
It’s a deity demanding I bow and worship at it’s alter.
Scrape and beg, plead and surrender. Succumb.
It sweeps me up into a hurricane of destruction.
It blows through me without a care for who I once was.
No matter my preparations,
or how long I've sought this elusive beast.
It will destroy me, and still I seek nothing else.
Original Prose which inspired this shortened version: