Loving a Narcissist

I’m desperately in love with a narcissist. I can’t help it, the love part, but I can decide to extricate him from my life. I’ll continue loving him, but I can’t afford the destruction that ensues if I allow him back in. It’s more the hope he’ll change that hurts at this point. I don’t think he will, or can, or even wants too. But yeah, I still love him.

We’d been apart for six months, with limited communication that was sketchy at best. Most of the time he was abusively cruel with his words and misinterpretations of me. I’d managed to write and compile an entire book during those six months. It also included two poetry collections; the love and the pain.

Then he came back and asked for, forgiveness. Perhaps I was too quick, but I love the asshole, so I forgave and was rewarded with a fabulous week of euphoric intimacy. Then he once again turned on me, and it was over something so small I wondered how long he’d been waiting to show his real self. How long had he been waiting to demolish me?

He didn’t destroy me, I hardly even flinched this time. I find that a sad commentary on our relationship. I expected it to happen, and wasn’t in the least bit surprised when he hung up on me after ranting over a fairly insignificant thing.

What I discovered over the last six months of soul searching was,  the original desperation, pain and heartbreak, came from the shock and surprise.

It’s when someone you love, and who supposedly loves you in return, turns on you and stabs you in the back, that’s when it hurts. The initial revelation of their intention to hurt you, is what devastates. Once it’s been done, there are no take backs. The shock of it flattens you, and destroys your perception of the person you loved.

I was forced to question everything he told me. Was it all lies? Did he intentionally wish to hurt me? Biding his time, deceiving me every moment we were together? Was he, nothing but a fabrication of my ideal? Nothing but a big fat lie? Was it all an act? Who did I love? What was I in love with if it was all lies?

I completely fell apart when he turned venomous, and mean, using words to abuse and emotions to destroy. It was that first act of mutiny that hurt the worst. I wasn’t expecting it. A fight maybe, disagreements are a certainty, but to intentionally turn on someone who loves you, well, that is sociopathic and narcissistic.

Once you see them for who they really are, they can never really hurt you in the same way again. If you let them, then you are simply playing their game, and you enjoy the drama of it, and I for one refuse to be a self-fulfilling prophesy.

I’ve rebuilt from that place of ruin, and became savvy to his ways. In doing this, I became stronger, inoculated in a sense, and even through he tried again, I can’t be hurt the same way. There is no surprise in his betrayal.

I only see destructive patterns he is intent on repeating, and I refuse to participate in patterns that are anything but fruitful.

I don’t like being in love with him. I have no control over that part of it. Love is like a virus without a cure, but I can self-protect enough to not play the other side of his game.

Other pages under this theme:
It's Sad



He said he was watching me, so this is a test. I highly doubt he is, or even cares enough to find this page.  Are you watching big guy? Really, are you?

Isn’t he beautiful? I loved looking at him:

All roads lead to Payne