Notes to a Narcissist, 2
Quotes, prose, poetry in pinnable format at end.
Please see Home page for this particular subject: Peeing with the Door Open
For the six months after we split, I wrote about you and us, every day, for hours. It was how I stayed sane. It was how I managed to stay with you, and hold onto how I felt about you. I was writing about how much I still loved you, even though it appeared as if you didn’t return the sentiment. Nevertheless, I kept you with me through my words. I created an entire book because of you. Yes, some of it is about how you hurt me with your narcissism, but it was also about how much I still loved you, adored you in fact, and I stubbornly clung to the idea that love could heal any and all wounds, even your narcissism. Silly me for being so naïve, but honestly, that book was because I loved you so intensely I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you completely. You profoundly changed me. At first I felt resurrected and all my years of waiting proved worth it. You were, him, in the flesh, and I was reborn! Then it became clear I couldn’t stay with you unless you were willing to also be reborn, and you weren’t. You blamed me for all of our failings, every single issue—you blamed me. When that happened, I think I died. I can’t access who I was before you, and suddenly, I have no future. I have nothing to look forward too, zero hope of ever being touched again, (by you), or anyone, because I can’t ever let another in. You still own my heart, and my body. The only thing you aren’t part of, is my life, and it’s a hollow life without you. You’ve never understood how much I loved you. Even I, myself, don’t really comprehend what I felt for you. I feel haunted by your ghost and I grieve as if you died. I can feel you are gone from me, and you rarely think of me. I fear you chose her, the sick one, over me. It’s a choice to deflect all attention from yourself, and I get it, but it’s yet another open, raw wound I must now nurse. You were all I’ve ever wanted. If only you’d felt the same. If you had, I believe we could have conquered anything put before us. Our love story could have been epic! It could have been my best novel, instead of the one I wrote which was only heartbreaking. Yes, you changed me profoundly. You have no idea how much I wish I’d done the same for you. Because of you, I no longer believe in love as the cure. I’m anchorless in a way which is suffocating. Now I'm grieving the loss of myself because I feel as if I died when I lost you.