Notes to a Narcissist

I don’t want to mimic others, and I never want to be, just another fish in the sea. I’ve always been an original, and I thought, unique, different and so special, someone might fall for me, and it would change them. I wanted, loving me, to be the catalyst that propelled them to a new level of awareness. I wanted the love to be the most important thing between the two of us. I wanted to be worth fighting for.

I knew it would change me to find, him, and I was waiting, hoping, praying for, him, to find me.

Then you came along, and I just knew. I knew you were, him, and once again, I was hoping, waiting and praying you thought I was, her.

I adored you. I loved you with the kind of passion I’ve never felt before. I didn’t even know I could harness what I felt for you, and for me, it was the most profound experience of my life. I’m loathe to let that feeling go, but I must. I have no choice, because now, it’s killing me. It’s exquisite torture to love you when you don’t return the sentiment.

I saw the real you, the raw you, the disordered pieces, but also the brilliant shining star you can be. I saw all your flaws and your facets that made you glow. I didn’t care about the, ‘bad stuff’, until you turned it all on me. I could have been fine with your issues if you’d just made me the exception, but you didn’t. I became the target of your illness. I became the enemy, when all I ever wanted was to love you.

I envisioned nearly worshipping you as we evolved into a permanent couple. I would have been happy to belong to you, to serve you, to literally be yours. All I needed was your understanding, and that fight I mentioned earlier. You’d have had to fight your personal demons, and make me, and the love between us, more important than those demons, and you didn’t.

So, even though I still grieve and mourn your loss, and in my heart, I know I will love you till the day I die, I must let you go. It’s essential for me to carry on, and thrive alone, that I discipline my mind to stop thinking about you, and my soul to stop hoping you have a personal awakening and return to me.

You won’t, you can’t, you don’t love me, enough. These are the facts and I refuse to live in delusion that you will change. It’s still the saddest thing that’s ever happened to me, and the greatest loss of my life. I loved you in a way I doubt anyone else ever will, or can, and you discarded me as if I were just another fish in the sea.

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All roads lead to Payne