The Theme of my Life:
I’ve spent my life waiting. Never quite complete. Never able to fulfill my potential or fully sate this deep craving. I’m ethereal, in need of another to add substance. Too be seen by him, I could feel real and important; as if my presence on this rock meant something. To be touched by him, I could land and find my footing. Maybe I could feel.
I struggle with an enveloping numbness. “Whatever,” I flippantly say with a wave of my hand. “Isn’t that the way of things? Always wanting? Never finding? Isn’t that what motivates everyone and everything? Why would I be given a waiver? What have I done to deserve anything I desire?”
My nature is that of a submissive, although I’ve worn the skin of Alpha for so long I fear I’ve lost my youthful need to surrender. I fear he would have to demand it, force it; work too hard to achieve it. I am no longer pliable.
It’s a trust issue. Over and over the posers are exposed and another layer of bricks is stacked around my heart.
It’s him, never showing up. It’s him, never finding and claiming me. I need to belong to someone powerful. I need to surrender all that I am to, him. I know enough to not submit to the wrong male, but that leaves me with nothing and no one, and my soul needs this surrender.
They all fall in love with me, but none of them are, him. They all say the words from the script. They all think they are playing their parts. My heart knows the difference. My emotions feel the disparity. Most are simply liars searching for the next conquest. Conquer and move along. Not a thought given to the fallen and broken left in their wake.