Tag Archives: Love


I’m working on a new book of poetry, prose and introspective articles/memoir.

I don’t know a release date yet, but I have my cover art.
Here are some samples of the poetry:

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New Blog post & more poetry

Here is a link to a new blog post:

Ramblings of an old, mad woman…
plus a few more quotes, prose and poetry.

Semifinalist in Poetry Contest

I entered the below poem at poetrynation.com and was just notified I’m a semifinalist.  It also secures this poem and a small author bio in their upcoming print anthology collection of amateur poets.

Pretty exiting for me since I’ve never entered any of my writings in contests. My new mission is to enter more of my stuff, more often and on different platforms with the end goal of getting my name better known as an author and poetess of emotional, soul searching, and love focused writings.

So here it is:

The Devastation of Love, (revised edition to fit their submission guidelines).
I'm forever hopeful to be stolen by it, swept up and falling into...
I will cease to be a singular soul, alone. 
I will join with another, and become someone entirely new. 
It’s messy and often ugly. 
It’s devastating.
Perhaps it’s simply my love of playing with fire?
It’s a shattering experience. 
Life altering, soul modifying. 
It’s anarchy. Destruction. 
Demolish what was there, rebuild stronger joined as two. 
It’s crushing, humbling and overwhelming. 
It’s embarrassing, pathetic, and shameless. 
I must surrender to the tidal pull of another. 
I must submit to the power of two combined. 
I am no longer me. I am now, us and we. 
I hand myself over to the other. 
It’s a before and after episode. 
It’s a demon who burgles my deepest secrets. 
It’s a cresting wave, pummeling me into the depths. 
It’s a deity demanding I bow and worship at it’s alter. 
Scrape and beg, plead and surrender. Succumb. 
It sweeps me up into a hurricane of destruction. 
It blows through me without a care for who I once was. 
No matter my preparations, 
or how long I've sought this elusive beast. 
No matter…
It will destroy me, and still I seek nothing else.

Original Prose which inspired this shortened version:

The Devastation of Love Original Prose/poetry by Payne Hawthorne
The Devastation of Love
Original Prose/poetry by Payne Hawthorne

Weekly Erotica; The Claiming

The Claiming

It’s one of those biting cold nights. My little house is freezing and I need to get a fire started, but my fingers are numb and striking the match is darn near impossible. Rarely do I feel alone, but when I do, man it hits me like a tsunami and I crash. I fall into depression almost instantly, and usually I end up crying myself to sleep. I’ve been alone for a very long time, so it always baffles me when the despair hits so strongly. You’d think I would be used to it by now. 

I miss him, but I shouldn’t. It’s not like we ever met, and honestly, I hung on way longer than I should have. Two years of nothing but emails and phone calls should have been enough for me. I wish it could have been. I’m starting to think I’m defective. I should have just been okay with what he did give me and not ache for more. If only I were one of those women who hated sex and men in general. If only. 

I needed him to be real. Tangible. I needed his arms and his lips and his warmth. I needed to talk to him with body language and with only my eyes. I never got that, and now I’m more alone than ever. I don’t even have his voice. 

Maybe it’s because it’s New Year’s Eve. Maybe the being alone on this night is the reason for my despair. Hopefully I’ll fall asleep early enough so I don’t have to hear the celebrations of all humanity. I don’t understand their glee in making it yet another year. I’m so tired. 

It’s been almost four months since we talked. I know he’s still out there because I get little pins from him on occasion. He’s in all our old haunts, Facebook, Pinterest, Tumbler. All the places we get to be who we aren’t in real life. 

I want to be real. I want to be substantial to someone in a physical sense. I’ve grown bored with the cyber life. It’s much too transient for me; too counterfeit.

I finally get the stove lit and I sit and think as I watch the flames grow ever higher. I didn’t hear from him at all today. He was strangely absent from all my normal feeds. Maybe he was snowed in. There are supposedly horrible storms back where he lives. 

I don’t feel like eating. I don’t feel like doing anything, but I need to feed the horses a late hot bran mash with electrolytes because it’s supposed to dip down into the twenties tonight. I head out to the road with my flashlight and make my way up to the barn. I hear a car, and see headlights, but figure it’s the neighbors either leaving for a party or just getting home from dinner. I feed the horses and then head back down. Slipping my way over the frozen puddles in the road. There is a car parked at my gate. That is strange. 

I turn off my flashlight and stall right where I am. I consider heading back up to the barn and grabbing some sort of weapon. Not like anyone can hear me scream all the way out here. Wish my dog was with me, but I left her at home. Whenever I’m tending to others’ properties, I usually leave her home. I’m undecided and remain frozen in a shadow. 

The thing is, I can empathically feel the driver. It’s a masculine energy and unsettlingly familiar. It can’t be him. It just can’t be. It isn’t; I talk myself out of the feelings part of this, and assess the situation. It’s almost ten at night, my breath is steaming and my teeth are beginning to chatter. The only weapon I could gather would be a shovel, and I seriously doubt I can defend myself with that. So I turn my flashlight back on and with a thudding heart, I resume my march down the road. 

As I approach the back of the car, the door swings open. He’s tall, and broad, and fills the space between us. I can no longer pretend. His emotional imprint is too singular. Too focused and certain. It is him. 

I stop at the end of the driveway. There is easily twenty feet between us, and I can’t really see him, but I can feel him, and I know he can me. 

“Um, what…I…I…” I’m at a loss for words, and apparently my legs have gone numb. I can’t feel my feet. 
“It’s me.” He says and that’s when the tears begin. “Don’t be afraid, it’s me.” 
“I know it’s you, but…but…how did you…?”
“I told you I could find you. Come here.” 
“I can’t.” 
“Are you okay?” He rubs the back of his neck, and it’s the first time uncertainty shows in his voice, “With this? With me being here?” 

I’m still dumbfounded. Two years of continuous communication revealed who we were, both to ourselves and to each other. I know this man almost as well as I know myself. He knows me better than I do myself. “I gave up.” 
“I never did, and you knew I am a man of my word.” 
“Let me back in. Please.” Now his voice is almost pleading, and this man never begs. 

I stand there, breathing; my face is surrounded by fog. It matches the exhaust pipe of his still running car. He has yet to move. He gave me a direct order and I know it’s up to me to follow it, but still I can’t move. “Are you sure? I can’t…”
“Yes, I’m certain. I needed to make some changes. I just traveled all day to get here,” He chuckles and rubs his neck again, “You weren’t kidding about living off the beaten path.” 
I finish my sentence, “I can’t play this game anymore. Real or nothing. All or nothing. That hasn’t changed.” 
“That’s why I’m here. This is all. I am here to claim you as mine. Now get over here.”
My laugh is awkward at best and I confess my inability to move. “…I might fall down.” 
He starts to move toward me, his teeth gleam in the moonlight, “I’ll catch you beautiful.”

Something unsticks and suddenly my feet are flying, and I’m running. I do almost fall, and he meets me half way, and does catch me. Now I’m sobbing uncontrollably and I feel a fool. This shit doesn’t happen in real life. At least not mine. I don’t know who writes the stupid Hollywood romances, but I’ve not found real life to be even remotely close. 

He is so strong and his certainty fills me up. His arms wrap around my back and he presses me to his chest. He is so warm and I bury my face against his sweater. My tears are still popping from my eyes and I can hardly breathe. He strokes my back and simply holds me as I calm down. When I register that it is his heartbeat thudding against my cheek, a new onslaught of tears ensues. He doesn’t seem to mind.
After what felt like forever out in the cold at the end of the driveway, I let him in through the gate and then the house. For the first time, I can see him, what he truly looks like, and his scent. His intoxicating aroma that I knew would affect me exactly this way. 

We haven’t spoken much, and I mumble, “I guess the time for words is over?” 
“Yes, we did that part.” 
I give him my awkward half grin, “Just words?”
“So much more than words.”
“Everything,” I say with irony. He was the only male I’ve ever communicated with who wanted all of me—everything I was, down to my darkest core self. 
“Everything,” He responds.

There had been a point near the beginning of our communications that he’d asked, what do you want me to know about you? 
My answer was simply, everything. 
He’d grown quiet and then with prompting confessed, excellent answer, that’s what I want as well.
I haven’t turned on many lights and the house is dim, but I feel almost drunk from being in his presence. I give him another glance and he’s staring at me in such a way I’m certain he has x-ray vision. I blush and my entire body flushes warm and then gooseflesh pricks from my nipples all the way to my toes. 

I choke on my words, “It’s more intense than I even imagined.” I drop my gaze and glower at the hardwood floor, “At least for me.” 

He covers the expanse between us in two massive strides and grabs my shoulders, “Look at me,” he orders and I obey. His tone softens as our eyes meet. “Me too.” Then he grips my chin and holds my face steady. It hits me we’ve never kissed. Imagined it a million times, but that was all fantasy. I bat my lashes and I feel my chest heave. “You’re mine. Never forget that.” 

I can’t reply because in the next instant his mouth is against mine. It’s tentative at first, on both our parts. I’m trembling so I don’t know if it’s him or me or the combination of us, but everything feels like an earthquake around us and in us; all is awash in monochromatic turbulence; except our lips. Our lips are hungry and thirsty and satisfying the other in bursts of vibrant color unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Fireworks isn’t accurate enough to describe what is happening. It’s a joining unlike anything I’ve ever imagined, or fantasized. 

He pushes me to the wall, and presses himself along the length of my body. He’s hard, and big, and now, after months of feeling like a parched desert, I’m almost dripping with need. I gasp as he allows me air, and then he resumes his insistence to be inside my body, even if just a tongue. 

His hands roam and find my plump bottom, and he drags me to his groin, and grinds against me. I apologize for being covered in so many layers and we both laugh. Then it hits me and I mumble, “Oh crap.”
“What? What is it?” 
“I’m, um…I’m not ready for you.” He draws his brows together, studying my features, and reaches up to gently tug on my pony tail. “It’s my…um…I haven’t shaved anything accept my underarms.” I wrinkle my nose and semi-shrug. “Sorry. For years I kept it all tidy…you know…just in case…”
He grins, “In case I showed up unexpectedly?” 
“Yeah, exactly.” 
His hand is still on my thick, unruly hunk of long red hair, and he uses it as a handle to drag my head backwards. His voice is incredibly deep and the dominant male I’d come to know, has apparently just revealed himself. “I’ll tend to that issue later. For now, a little bit of hair isn’t going to interrupt me entering your body in the next few minutes.” 
My eyes involuntarily pop open, “Now? Like, um…now?” I squeak, and he chuckles. 
Then he says the words I wanted to hear for years, “And you will please me.” 

There isn’t a question, or even a hint at it being a possibility. It’s so certain I feel it as a directive or a command deeply inside. My pussy floods obscenely and I gasp. He knows. He always knows, and his slight curl of lip tells me. He scents the air and his eyes go half-mast. His lip curl increases, and he almost growls, “Mine.” 

My voice is way too breathy, but I can’t help it. My nipples hurt behind the layers of warm clothing and suddenly I’m so hot I can’t breathe. “Yours.” 

He abruptly pulls away and I almost fall. He’d been holding me up and my legs are still overcooked noodles. He looks around the living room and I lean against the wall. He takes off his coat and carefully places it on the back of a chair, and then his attention is back on me. “Strip.” 

I don’t question him. I know he never says anything without meaning it. So I begin the arduous process of peeling my many layers. I find it odd that he spent years discovering my emotional complexities and now, now it’s just fabric, but feels like so much more. 

Then I remind myself he’s seen all of me, naked, bared, unashamed and attempting to please. He’s had the view no others ever have, and I did things for his eyes only. Things I’d never done before and certainly not since. 

I get down to just my long underwear and a thin cotton tee shirt. I don’t have on panties or a bra, and I look down to see why my nipples ache like they do. They’ve never been this hard before, and they are pornographically popping behind the thin cotton. I stand there, still trembling, and suddenly afraid to finish. This is it. The last little bit of protection and barrier between us. It’s not much, but it’s the last remaining armor I’ll ever possess in front of this man. 

He levels me with a look that I can easily interpret, and I pull the tee shirt off. I throw it on top of the pile of material that was once my shield. My breasts hurt from the constriction on the tips. My soft long underwear is the last thing, and I slowly slide them past my hips until they fall on their own to puddle around my socks. The terrain of gooseflesh down my thighs is almost comical because I’m no longer even a little bit chilled. 

He licks his lips. I don’t feel sexy, or attractive or any of the things that I know men visually appreciate. My body is aging and I’m not as fit as I once was. I’m also so pale you can see every capillary, scar, dent and bump on me. I feel as if I should apologize that I’m not more pleasing to view naked, but then I lift my eyes and I see his hunger. I guess its okay. Or rather, more than. His cock is so hard it is attempting to tent his slacks and his eyes are devouring me. 

I’m uncertain what to do, so I do nothing and stand there, waiting. My teeth begin to chatter and he mistakes it for me being cold. I shake my head, “No, nerves.” 
His grin is nefarious. He stands, “Don’t move. I need to inspect you.” 

Before he leaves the alcove where the couch is, he strips as well. His cock is hard and jutting and the tip is shiny. I know he’ll be pleased to find I too am wet and ready. He maintains eye contact on his journey and it takes all I have to stay upright. One hand goes to my ribcage, and then he travels it down over the swell of my hip. 
His exhale is so emotion filled, my lungs tighten and I gasp. His other hand cups, and then strokes up his own shaft. Another stuttering exhale. Now I can hardly find air and I wonder if I might pass out. 
He reaches behind me and again grasps my bottom, spreading me and releasing some of my lubrication. I breathe, “Oooohhhh gawd,” as his index finger tickles across my taint. 

Then he comes up close enough to rub the hot tip of his cock against my belly, and he uses both hands to spread me apart. I bite my lip and continue gasping for air. He has to lever himself down, but he does, and then bends his knees enough to slide against my inner thigh, at my apex. Upon retreat, his entire phallus is shiny. 

His fortitude is otherworldly as he meticulously continues to tactilely study my body. Touching my breasts, my hips, my bottom and then my neck and collar bone. It’s as if he’s blind and remembering me through touch. Or, maybe it’s all the places he instinctually knows I’m my most sensitive. My eyes follow his path until he turns me around and peruses my back, running his fingers down my long spine. 
His warm breath at my ear sends my entire body into overdrive, “Perfection.” 

He frees my hair from the captivity of the hair tie and it falls in an unruly wave of fiery curls all the way to my shoulder blades. He runs his fingers up against my scalp and tightens his grip. He is also rubbing his length up through my butt and against my lower back. He drags my head back with one hand and the other wraps around to my stomach, pinning me to his front with my head against his shoulder. He turns my face and takes my lips. This time, bruising me with ownership. 

He steadies me with a hand on my hip, but then forcefully folds me over with a hand between my shoulders, and growls, “Over the end of the couch, now.” I instantly give to him and seek the stability of the couch arm. I’m grateful since I was certainly going to fall down otherwise. He leans up and over my back, “Another will never touch you from this moment forth. Is that understood?” I make a sound of acknowledgement and nod frantically. “Who do you belong too?” 
“Who is your Master?” 
Then he pauses and a tenderness rushes over me. “I love you.” 
My eyes sting like I just opened a hot oven and I can’t staunch the flow. I sob, “I love you too.” 
Then the urgency returns and he forcibly readjusts me on the couch so that my ass is up in the air, “Good, because now it’s going to feel like I might hate you.” 

I can’t help but laugh. That exact phrase was a pin we’d traded back and forth many times. I don’t have much time to enjoy the comedy of the moment however as he begins spanking my bottom repeatedly. I try not to writhe, but I can’t help it and also scream in agony. Then he pauses and rubs over the hot skin of my ass with his massive palm. 

His breathing is labored now, but he continues on with my left butt cheek until it too is on fire. The wetness check reveals that now I’ve soaked my inner thighs and my tears are still flowing. I’m choking and sobbing and simultaneously hating and enjoying every second. 

When he’s finished caressing my sore bottom, he straddles up and over me and rubs himself up through my crack, over and over, growing hotter and bigger with each stroke. 

He suffocates me with his weight as he guides his cock to my dripping entrance, but he stalls. “I plan on fucking you all night long kitten. When I’m done with you, when I retreat, there will be a hollow place inside your soul that only I can fill.” 
I’m already on the brink of an orgasm, and I mumble through a, “Mmmmmm-huh.” 
His hand comes around my neck and from the front he grips me tightly. “Beg.”

“Inside…” I choke and my eyes blur. My pussy is a twitching mess of need and I can’t think. I arch my back and push against him. Desperation now plays every nerve. I manage to seat just the tip of him at my entrance, but he is strong, much stronger than me, and he stays me. “Please…inside…take me. Please!” 
His voice is thready and I can feel his hips roll as more of him presses into me, “Please what?” 
“Please, Master. I am yours.”

I guess that was all he needed. In the next instant, he slid himself home. My sheath welcomes him as he joins us, completing an ancient pre-destined connection. The electricity is sparking and I can feel him all the way inside me. As if he truly becomes my blood, coursing throughout my system, making himself at home. 

The crisp hairs of his groin rub against my softest folds. His heat and heartbeat fill me up and push against every perception. His strokes are shallow at first, as if he can’t bear the thought of leaving me in any capacity. I lift my ass higher, and I strain to hold the position so he has the best possible access. 

This is what I ached to feel my entire life. Sex with love. Sex with connection and with the person I belong too. He’s finally claimed me as his. I desperately needed him, and now he is here. As much mine as I am his. 

His urgency increases and the loud slapping together of our bodies is the most erotic sound I’ve ever heard. He begins to say, “Fuck...” repeatedly and I am making incoherent sounds of either ecstasy or agony. Only those participating will ever know. 
This. Him. Us.  
The Claiming.


A few new poems from me. I also post all of my new shorter writings on my Pinterest Page here: MY WRITINGS

Poetry by Payne Hawthorne
Skid Along Perceptions Poetry by Payne Hawthorne
Fissures and Cracks
He stole away my soul.
Burgled it when I wasn’t watching.
He now holds it captive. 
I thought I’d fortified.
He saw through my façade.
He saw my brokenness; the cracks and fissures. 
It was an easy heist, 
Too easy.
I must shore up these leaks.
Can I go on without it?
He is a kind caretaker.
Perhaps it’s best to leave it there, where it’s safe. 
I have no need for it.
I had reserved it for him.
He never touched me,
He only caressed my spirit,
He fed my thoughts,
He hydrated my heart,
The heist was soundless.
 He only stole my soul…
Stole my Soul Poetry by Payne Hawthorne
Stole my Soul
Poetry by Payne Hawthorne
Cellulite Around My Soul
There are barriers around my heart; my soul feels imprisoned. I don’t think it’s steel, or brick and mortar; no, I think it’s more like soft, conforming, comforting layers of fat. It enables me to be a tad more resilient and allows my heart to bounce without bruising. 
It’s still a covering, a barricade, an obstacle for someone to wade through if they want to get to the very heart of me, but it’s navigable, not impossible.
These little bumps of physical terrain only show because it’s nothing more than where our skin is softest. Our most vulnerable; thinnest protective coating. We all have it, but it doesn’t show on most. At least not on the ones with thick, impenetrable hides. 
I think I have cellulite on my soul. Little fatty deposits, like bubble wrap protection. If not for the fat, I’d be too transparent. If not for the fat, my soul would be exposed for all to damage. What with body image these days, I try and cover up as much as possible. Something tight and thick. Hold it all together so none are the wiser. 
You know what removes cellulite? Attention. Massages. Exercise. Good food and happiness. My soul needs all of these things. It is starved, and covered in fat. Useless, meaningless, nothing but fat. It’s suffocating behind this barrier of protection. Dying from invisibility. Covered in Cellulite.
Poetry by Payne Hawthorne
Cellulite Soul Poetry by Payne Hawthorne


Ready & Ripe

I’m not smooth. I’m not young. 
I’m not polished and new.
I still sparkle –on occasion. 
I have scars, bumps, lumps, creases and divots. 
I often appear as if I slept on my soul while it was still wet. 
I’m not intellectual or academic, but I’m smart as a whip. 
I love too hard, and then not at all.
I’m indifferent, but passionate. 
I crave everything and nothing.
I’m ancient and childlike.
I’m experienced, wise and ready.
Ready & Ripe Poetry by Payne Hawthorne
Ready & Ripe
Poetry by Payne Hawthorne



I evict you time and again.
 You tenaciously return.
Powerful Intruder,
 Plundering my every thought.
You’re an invading force—
You steal my vision. 
 My heart prompts with loud thumps.
You settle there,
 Holding my soul, 
With a roguish sending.
 As if you’re fully aware—
You inhabit me.
Inhabit Me. Poetry by Payne Hawthorne
Inhabit Me.
Poetry by Payne Hawthorne
I’m trying to find freedom; extricate myself from what was once, us.
I need to be free of you, of the weight of you, the possibility of you.
I thought I could, but now, more than ever, I feel bound to you, by you; the possibility of you.
The thought of freedom now chokes me with the ghost of your hand. 
I’m in a dark place, chained and restrained; you left me here alone. I cannot escape.
The harder I try, the tighter the binds.
I can’t breathe; drowning, disappearing, fading, vanishing, withering. 
You’re heavy on me, in me, with me.
Extricate Poetry by Payne Hawthorne
Poetry by
Payne Hawthorne